When Your Brain Names a Villain: Why It Feels Good and What to Do Instead

The Whisper Campaign

I work with a leader who keeps hearing versions of similar conversations around the office.

"Did you see what so-and-so did?"
"I can’t believe they thought that was a good idea."
Or the classic: eyeroll followed by a dramatic sigh.

These are usually delivered as if the speaker is doing a public service. Like they’ve spotted a gas leak and are dutifully warning the neighborhood.

But let’s call this what it is: character assassination with a polite tone. People think they are building trust by sharing these little side comments. But they are really building a case and not one based on facts, context, or actual conversation with the person in question.

It may feel like bonding, but it is really backchanneling. And the more it happens, the more corrosive it becomes to team culture. What seems like "just venting" ends up shaping reputations and warping perceptions.

Why the Brain Loves a Bad Guy

Here’s the kicker: your brain loves picking sides. It is basically running a high-speed sorting machine all day long.

Safe or unsafe?
Ally or enemy?
Friend, foe, or someone who cc’d your boss for no apparent reason”?

The amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, is constantly scanning for danger. And it cannot always tell the difference between a bear charging at you and Bob from accounting who talks over people in meetings.

Then there’s oxytocin, which sounds lovely, the “connection” hormone. But in social groups, it can also fuel cliques. It helps us bond with “our people” and distrust those on the outside. So, when someone else shares our frustration about a coworker, oxytocin high-fives us.

And don’t forget dopamine, our brain’s favorite reward chemical. Every time someone validates your opinion with a “Ugh, I know, right?” you get a little hit. You feel seen, righteous, even heroic. Like you just uncovered corruption and now justice can be served. Preferably over coffee.

The Real Damage

Once you (or your team) mentally label someone as “the problem,” that’s the lens you view everything through.

They speak up. “There they go again.”
They stay quiet. “Passive aggressive.”
They offer to help. “What’s their angle?”

Your brain starts collecting evidence, and soon you have an entire Netflix mini-series in your head produced, directed, and starring you.

Meanwhile, no one has had a real conversation with the actual person.

And worse, this kind of backchannel behavior becomes normalized. People feel safer venting to everyone except the person they need to talk to. That is not healthy culture. It is emotional outsourcing.

What to Do Instead

So, what’s the fix?

First, talk to the person, not about them. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s always more honest. Even if it doesn’t go perfectly, at least it’s based on curiosity, not hearsay.

Second, and this is the important leadership move, stop the cycle when someone comes to you with rant or gossip disguised as concern. You don’t have to shame them. Just say something like:

“Sounds like this is something worth talking about directly with them.” Or

“Have you shared that with them yet? You might be surprised by what you learn.”

It’s a gentle nudge that encourages accountability. And it reminds people that, while it feels like they’re building trust by sharing with you, they’re damaging trust on a much bigger scale.

When we allow these conversations to stay in the shadows, we’re saying it’s okay to process tension behind someone’s back. That erodes culture faster than a poorly run meeting with no snacks.

Choose Curiosity Over Conclusion

You’re not a villain for thinking someone is difficult. That’s human. Your brain is just trying to keep you safe and socially comfortable.

But you are a better leader when you catch yourself, pause, and choose a different path.

Next time you hear someone say, “Can you believe they…?”
or feel yourself about to say it...

Try this instead:

· Take a breath

· Ask: Do I know the whole story?

· Ask: Have I had the conversation?

· Ask: Am I reinforcing trust or quietly unraveling it?

Organizations do not fall apart because of one or two challenging personalities. They fall apart when people stop talking to each other and start narrating stories about each other instead.

We don’t need fewer difficult people (well, maybe we do—but we can’t always control that).

What we need is more people willing to have difficult conversations.